random ramblings of a 29 year old.

I turned 29 yesterday and while I don't feel any different per se, I do feel something.  I've just been doing a lot of thinking this last week.  Thoughts about life and change.  Thoughts that are all over the place and ambivalent, which feels pretty indicative of the age I'm at now. It's the last year of my 20s and turning 30 is a big deal.  And here I am, right on the brink.  It's like there's this line.  One side being that part of me that wishes I could go back to 23 and stay there, and the other that's so ready to move on to the next phase of my life.  But today, despite all the uncertainty I may feel about the future, I woke up thinking there are a few things I do know.

That the people in my life, whether we're family, friends or just acquaintances, never fail to surprise me.  Like on my birthday.  Three of my best friends texted me first thing in the morning just as I expected (love you girls!) and most of my cousins did too (love you too!).  Other good friends took the time to greet me personally also.  Then others who I expected the same from resorted to just twitter or facebook, which is nice, don't get me wrong, but kind of impersonal? I think close relationships warrant a little more than that. Then people I don't really consider close took the time to IM me or do something nice.  I had a coworker getting me macaroons, another one gelato (I was in sweet tooth heaven!). I was just touched and surprised by everyone's kindess.  It's the little things, you know?

Sometimes you have to go for the things you want.  For the longest time, I felt I deserved a promotion but I didn't want to ask because I thought it should be offered to me.  My work should just speak for itself! I'm highly praised by everyone in the office - not trying to show off, it's just a fact. I work hard and I take my job seriously.  Then one day I decided to talk to my boss about it and he completely agreed.  Less than two weeks later, I officially became the web development manager.  I realize now that them not offering me the position in the first place didn't mean they didn't value my work.  That's just how the company operates.  You have to tell them what you want and I'm glad I did. 

It is actually possible to be too nice or too generous.  I'm not perfect.  I get annoyed with people, I get frustrated and I sometimes show it.  But for the most part, I'm pretty much a people pleaser.  I like to offer help and take care of others.  But I've learned more than once (and keep learning) that helping can quickly turn into enabling.  Sometimes you're actually making it worse.  The best thing you can do for that person is to say no and let them grow up and learn how to help themselves.  

Love and relationships.  So I kind of had this fleeting moment of what felt like possibility a couple weeks ago.  Nothing happened and I didn't think anything would.  And I don't want to share the details here but.. it was enough to make me feel pretty giddy for a few days,  I'm still thinking about him -- I had forgotten how nice it feels to like somebody.  Then, love has been a topic of conversation on my blog lately too.  Specifically the notion of love at first sight.  I will tell you right now that I don't believe in it, unless you're seeing your child for the first time.  I'm not disregarding the people who will tell you that they just knew or anything because truth be told, I love hearing those stories.  They're romantic and fill me with hope for the future! But.. okay, have you ever taken those online personality quizzes? I've taken a bunch for fun and I remember this one quiz asked me to choose a picture I felt depicted love and I chose the one of an old couple sitting in a park together while holding hands.  Love isn't simple.  It's not something determined by a glance, I mean maybe you might have a feeling.  But it's really the years and time and obstacles you face together that truly make you certain of that love.  I want to know and feel loved long after first sight.  To me, those are truly the best love stories.  (See, I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic under all the cynicism!)

Anyway, this is probably the longest entry I've written ever but I've been wanting to share these thoughts all day.  I've got nothing else to say except.. here's to being 29!